About Kelli

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Over the last several years, my life's tapestry has been woven with trauma and heartbreak, but my story does not end there. It is an ongoing story about restorative healing that serves as a living example of God's faithfulness. It is a story that I hope encourages others to believe that God is still in control and has a good plan for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11).

My story ...

After many years devoted to my education, career, and singlehood, I married my love and best friend in 2009. Happiness abounded! Finally, there was a man to love me. Soon after we married, however, we suffered the first of many punishing blows when doctors diagnosed my precious mom with incurable cancer. We lost her a mere four years later. 

I refuse to say that my mom, a valiant warrior and the epitome of grace, lost her battle with cancer. After all, she won the ultimate prize when she was united with Jesus. Still, I feel her loss so deeply that words fail to describe the emptiness that took up permanent residence in my heart. 

Just over a year later, my husband and I moved from Florida to Georgia to pursue a fresh start. Sadly, our time there was riddled with hardships. We faced unrelenting stress caused by financial struggles, my husband's increasingly demanding job, and the unexpected deaths of other loved ones.

In 2018, we had an opportunity to move back to Florida when I was offered a college professorship. After prayerful consideration and lengthy discussions, we agreed I would accept the position and move back to Florida a few months ahead of my husband. We saw it as an opportunity for me to contribute again financially while he pursued a better employment situation. What I did not know at the time was he had begun abusing alcohol as a means of coping. During the entirety of our marriage to that point, never once had he consumed alcohol. Also unbeknownst to me at the time was he was having an affair with a co-worker.

For several reasons, I will not recount details of the hellish nightmare that ensued over the next two years. To say it was traumatic would be a gross understatement. Just two short years after his acute alcoholism began, law enforcement personnel in Georgia contacted me to say they had located my husband deceased. It was at that very moment my whole world went pitch black and silent.

God has worked on me for several years to get me to a point where I have the courage to share our story publicly. Warranted or not, I feel cloaked in shame. The fear of people unfairly misjudging my husband still pierces my heart, threatening to silence me. What I want people to know is that he was a good man who lost his way and made mistakes. Tragically, he paid for those mistakes with his life, and I became collateral damage in the wake of it all.  

My healing journey is ongoing. It has been isolating, messy, and complicated. In addition to grieving my husband's loss, I have had to walk out forgiveness for someone who never apologized. As Christians, we know that forgiveness is required, but that does not make it less difficult. Forgiving myself has been equally as hard, and I am not convinced that I am quite there yet. You see, I still carry the crushing weight of guilt. If I allow my mind to wander, questions about what I could and should have done differently batter me mercilessly. 

It is in the stillness of the night ... when much of the world is sleeping ... that God meets me in the midst of my pain. With Him, I do not have to wear a mask to hide the pain or to pretend all is well. Before Him, I feel safe to be authentically and utterly broken. Never has He abandoned me in my pain, and I can say with all assurance that never will He abandon you in yours. He is Jehovah Rapha (the God who heals).

I have heard it said that we live life forward but understand it backward. I have experienced the truth of this statement. Looking back, I now see the many ways God protected and guided me. I now see how gently and patiently He treated me throughout this heartbreaking ordeal. At first, like a rebellious child, I was angry that God did not answer my prayers and seemingly withheld healing from both my mom and husband. Once I reached a place of total surrender, God revealed to me that He had answered my prayers ... just not in the way that I wanted. Still, He is a good and faithful Father.

Friend, God is not finished authoring our stories, and He wants to heal us in ways only He can. Invite Him into your mess. Rest assured, He will meet you in the midst of it.  

God bless you!